The Onion’s Farewell to Bush
The Onion has been having a great time the past few months writing stories detailing wonderfully creative and excruciatingly painful things happening to Bush.
Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain
WASHINGTON-President Bush collapsed to the floor of the Oval Office during a meeting with advisers when spiderlings hatched from thousands of egg sacs affixed between the hemispheres of his brain, according to a White House memo released Monday. The spiders severed the president's corpus callosum and ate through the motor-control center of the brain, doctors said, causing Bush's body to jerk involuntarily as a scurrying mass of crab spiders emerged from his mouth and crawled down his face. Witnesses confirmed that a number of spiders also discharged from the president's tear ducts. Secret Service agents restrained the president and carried him to the White House medical facility, but doctors said that by the time Bush arrived, the arachnids had already consumed his corneas, pupils, and vitreous humor. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone
WASHINGTON-President Bush collapsed in the Oval Office after spontaneously expelling a 3-pound kidney stone from his bladder, sources reported Tuesday. According to witnesses, the president was attending his daily Iraq War briefing when he suddenly began shrieking loudly and clutching his abdomen, a mixture of blood and urine pooling rapidly around his feet. Bush was able to maintain consciousness through more than 20 minutes of excruciating pain, even after the jagged, grapefruit-sized crystal aggregation shredded his urethra and dropped from his left pant leg, finally rolling to a stop on the presidential seal in the middle of the Oval Office carpet. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall
WASHINGTON-President George W. Bush sustained a perforation injury to his right eyelid when a pneumatic nail gun malfunctioned and shot a 12-centimeter-long iron nail that entered Bush's superonasal sclera, exited through his upper eyelid, and then penetraed the wall of the White House Blue Room. The president remained pinned to the wall for a period of 27 hours before help arrived. According to witnesses, Bush was found passed out with blood dripping from his right tear duct. Doctors confirmed that the intraocular foreign body was removed during a four-hour operation Sunday, and reported significant damage to Bush's supratrochlear nerve, likely caused by the president's unsuccessful attempt to forcibly rip his eyelid in half to escape. It is unclear whether he will ever regain sight in his right eye. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm
HOMESTEAD, FL-A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was reportedly standing waist-deep in a swamp at Everglades National Park when the crocodile struck, also sustained severe puncture wounds and torn flesh in his hip and upper thigh. According to witnesses, Bush attempted to fend off the large reptile with his left arm, but the crocodile latched onto it above the elbow, dragged the president underwater, and ripped his arm from its socket. Bush's severed arm was unable to be recovered. Doctors confirmed that he will be fitted with a prosthetic limb in a procedure Friday, and that he is currently being treated for sepsis. Bush is resting comfortably in Annapolis Naval Hospital.
Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks
KANSAS CITY, MO-President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after being accidentally dragged behind the presidential motorcade for a period of 15 minutes. According to Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan, Bush's necktie became caught in the trunk of the motorcade's second vehicle at 4:13 p.m., shortly before the driver accelerated. The president was dragged down 175th Street for 26 blocks and through four stoplights, leaving a trail of blood more than a mile long. Upon hearing shouts emanating from behind his vehicle, the driver abruptly applied the brakes, causing the third car in the motorcade to run over the president's left leg at a speed of approximately 25 miles per hour. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase
WASHINGTON-President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after falling down the entire staircase of the 555-foot-tall Washington Monument. According to White House press secretary Dana Perino, Bush was making his weekly climb to the monument's observation floor when he lost his footing on the top step, slipped, and struck each of the obelisk's 897 stairs with the back of his skull during an uncontrolled descent to the base of the structure. President Bush is resting comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.
Mike Huckabee on Gay Marriage
Hateful Mormon’s Thank God for Voter Apathy in CA
My friend John sent this and I thought it was interesting. Rights for minorities are rarely increased at the ballot box. It says a lot of good things about CA that we came so incredibly close. Shame on those who stayed home.
Also, I have a pile of money waiting for the organization that is going to run constant, incessant but pleasant pro-gay-marriage advertisements in Utah from now until 2012. Really, they just need to get to know us better and they won't hate us so much.
You all probably know my feelings about me personally writing on this kind of topic, but I just had to express a bit of shock that borders on incredulity...
My thought goes like this, "Was this years election less important and less likely to get voters out to the polls then the 2004 election?" Here's why I ask:
Take these two pages from the CA Secretary of State, both of which say 100% of precincts have reported:
2008 Election Results
2004 Election Results
According to these numbers:
1. 400,405 more Californians went to the polls for Kerry than Obama.
2. 1,625,143 more Californians went to the polls for Bush than McCain.
3. 47,380 more Californians voted for all other parties in 2004 than 2008.
That means, overall, 2,072,928 more Californians voted in 2004 than 2008.
Nationally in 2004, according to CNN (with 100% of precincts counted), 121,068,715 Americans voted as opposed to 122,326,868 (with 99% of precincts counted as of this writing) in 2008, for a difference of 1,258,153 more in 2008.
So, more Americans in general turned out for this "historic" election but Californians must have considered it less "historic" since we were expecting higher turnout yet more than two million of us just decided not to show up. (Really, that's a question.)
My point (if it's not painfully obvious)? Prop 8 won by 510,000 votes, but where the fuck are these other two million (at least) voters?
Suspiciously Yours,
John
Surreal
In San Francisco tonight there was an impromptu celebration where San Franciscans were roaming the streets chanting an American president's name. People were carrying American flags with pride in the Castro, with other people cheering them on. Need I say more? Not more than a few years ago these same people where in the streets protesting the American president in the same streets and likely to set the same flag aflame. Can anyone remember an occasion in any of our lifetimes where people, anywhere, were roaming the streets chanting the name of an American president?
Why Straight Parents Need to Take a Strong Stand Against Prop 8
How My Lesbian Boss Makes Me a Better Father
A short while after my son was born, my wife brought him into the office to meet my co-workers. My wife was still nursing. My infant son was hungry and my wife was going to breast feed him in my crammed office. Within seconds of learning this, my boss cleared everyone out of the comfortable lounge where we entertain high-profile clients, magically pulled her old nursing pillow out of a nearby closet, and immediately put my wife at ease. I stood in amazement as I watched the scenario unfold. My boss looked at me and said, "Don't just stand there, get her a glass of water." I never forgot the glass of water again and it was the first of many lessons my lesbian boss has taught me about how to be a better father.
There was another time my boss walked in on the nervous phone argument I was having with my wife over whether or not we were going to vaccinate our child. She stopped what she was doing, led me into her office where she promptly whipped out the paper equivalent of the Warren Commission report on pros and cons of childhood vaccinations.
I could list dozens of similar examples of the parental wisdom that has been passed down from my boss. She and her wife are super-moms. You would be hard pressed to find parents who love their kids as much or who are as actively engaged in the well-being and development of children. When my wife and I wrestle with the millions of choices parents wrestle with, we often look to the decisions made by other parents we respect as a guide. Kelly and Linda would be at the top of that list. If there is one thing fatherhood has taught me, it is that good parents help make other parents good. And very often we straight Dads can use all the advice we can get.